I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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