I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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