Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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