i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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