you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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