My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize