i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize