Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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