It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
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the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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