1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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