Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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