I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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