i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Pooping to opera.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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