Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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