I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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