i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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