Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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