Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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