I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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