I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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