I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
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stoners and superglue do NOT mix
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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