I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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