Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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