I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize