Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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