Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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