I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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