You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize