Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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