can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Shame - the story of my life.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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