I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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