That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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