Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
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Tornado booty call.. dedication
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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