Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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