Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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