remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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