So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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