Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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