I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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