Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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