I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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