2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
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No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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