Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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