I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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