I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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