Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just had sex bonerless
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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