pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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