No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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