I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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