he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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